I started the other night to write here and ended up stopping and deleting it because I thought to myself, what the hell am I doing wasting my time bitching about a situation that I have zero control over. I have done quite a bit of soul searching lately and a couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a long time friend who lives out west and I dont know if he reads this but if he does, he knows who he is. In the course of our conversation he shared alot of wisdom with me and gave me alot to think about and the more I think about the conversation and the things he said to me, the quotes he gave me, the bits of wisdom etc the more I realized that he was right about alot of what he said, it made sense, took a bit for it to really sink in, I mean I got it when he said it, but you know how when someone says something to you and you process it, you get it and you kinda file it away? Well thats what I did and then this other situation which I have written about previously the more I am thinking about it, the more I think no matter how I feel, he feels it's a go nowhere, no win situation and I know better, I am not a child or some giddy teenager with a crush. I am a woman with feelings, hopes, dreams and the ability to know whats right, whats wrong and having learned some hard life's lessons in the last couple of years, I think I will apply those lessons and move on. I am thinking its just going to remain what it is, always has been and probably always will be a good friendship with a deep connection that I dont think anything can become of. I have to move forward, not backward. I deserve better than that. I deserve to have happiness, love, companionship, honesty and all that. Marriage? More than likely never. I have too much baggage so to speak. I have a child that is bi polar and a type 1 diabetic. I deal with alot of emotional ups and downs with that and I have already gone the lets move in together route and live happily ever after? HAH! That is just a plain out fairy tale, no one lives happily ever after and certainly not me, not with all I have to deal with on a daily basis. I just live my life in the moment because thats all I can do at this point. I cant make long term plans, goals etc because I dont know from one minute to the next what is going to happen next. So I go with short term plans, short term goals and try my best to accomplish them as I go along, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I dont, thats life though right? You dont always win, no matter how hard or how bad you want to. Life is what it is, its full of ups and downs, surprises, disappointments, moments of happiness, some fleeting, some longer term. What I want, I can't have but what I can have is my own life, my own options, my own freedom and while those feelings I have will probably never go away, they will always be tucked somewhere in the back of my heart and from time to time they come forward, not always because I want them to, just because he makes them come flooding back and I do think its the same both ways but again, what can you do? Not a damn thing. You just tuck them back in that little box and push them back once again. So my newest short term goal is to move forward, to get out and enjoy what I can out of life when I can, it can be the simplest thing as a walk on the beach or a night out with my friends and that in itself can bring about many prospects. I think I am done for now. This is gonna be a hard week for our family as my dad's birthday (may he always R.I.P.) is in 2 days and the 14th anniversary of my brothers death is coming up. I will be doing tributes for them in the form of a few words and a song or two, as I alway do for them and for my mom as well. I will end on this note...and I am sure I will be back soon to post again.
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