Just some ramblings.. a little bit of this, little bit of that

I started the other night to write here and ended up stopping and deleting it because I thought to myself, what the hell am I doing wasting my time bitching about a situation that I have zero control over. I have done quite a bit of soul searching lately and a couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a long time friend who lives out west and I dont know if he reads this but if he does, he knows who he is. In the course of our conversation he shared alot of wisdom with me and gave me alot to think about and the more I think about the conversation and the things he said to me, the quotes he gave me, the bits of wisdom etc the more I realized that he was right about alot of what he said, it made sense, took a bit for it to really sink in, I mean I got it when he said it, but you know how when someone says something to you and you process it, you get it and you kinda file it away? Well thats what I did and then this other situation which I have written about previously the more I am thinking about it, the more I think no matter how I feel, he feels it's a go nowhere, no win situation and I know better, I am not a child or some giddy teenager with a crush. I am a woman with feelings, hopes, dreams and the ability to know whats right, whats wrong and having learned some hard life's lessons in the last couple of years, I think I will apply those lessons and move on. I am thinking its just going to remain what it is, always has been and probably always will be a good friendship with a deep connection that I dont think anything can become of. I have to move forward, not backward. I deserve better than that. I deserve to have happiness, love, companionship, honesty and all that. Marriage? More than likely never. I have too much baggage so to speak. I have a child that is bi polar and a type 1 diabetic. I deal with alot of emotional ups and downs with that and I have already gone the lets move in together route and live happily ever after? HAH! That is just a plain out fairy tale, no one lives happily ever after and certainly not me, not with all I have to deal with on a daily basis. I just live my life in the moment because thats all I can do at this point. I cant make long term plans, goals etc because I dont know from one minute to the next what is going to happen next. So I go with short term plans, short term goals and try my best to accomplish them as I go along, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I dont, thats life though right? You dont always win, no matter how hard or how bad you want to. Life is what it is, its full of ups and downs, surprises, disappointments, moments of happiness, some fleeting, some longer term. What I want, I can't have but what I can have is my own life, my own options, my own freedom and while those feelings I have will probably never go away, they will always be tucked somewhere in the back of my heart and from time to time they come forward, not always because I want them to, just because he makes them come flooding back and I do think its the same both ways but again, what can you do? Not a damn thing. You just tuck them back in that little box and push them back once again. So my newest short term goal is to move forward, to get out and enjoy what I can out of life when I can, it can be the simplest thing as a walk on the beach or a night out with my friends and that in itself can bring about many prospects. I think I am done for now. This is gonna be a hard week for our family as my dad's birthday (may he always R.I.P.) is in 2 days and the 14th anniversary of my brothers death is coming up. I will be doing tributes for them in the form of a few words and a song or two, as I alway do for them and for my mom as well. I will end on this note...and I am sure I will be back soon to post again.

Just some random thoughts and ramblings or whatever you want to call it

You see, I have a bit of a problem, it's something I tend to do alot and it's called overthinking and excessive worrying. I worry about my children, probably more than I should. My family as a whole has been through some profound losses over the last few years and the very thought of losing anyone else right now is too much to bear. I have some regrets, I got myself into a situation a couple of years ago that I should have never gotten into. I should have walked...no ran in the other direction but I guess in a way you could say I was hurting, pretty deeply and maybe I was looking for comfort, maybe to feel wanted, I really dont know. All I know is it was probably the biggest mistake of my life and something I did for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to get over and move on from something that I really thought had some potential and then it just disappeared. I often wonder (and this is where the overthinking comes in) what might have been, what could be and more than likely will never be. I have reached a point in my life where a relationship is not a reality for me, at least not at this time, I have entirely too much baggage to bring another person into but thats not to say that I wouldnt mind someone to spend some time with once in awhile and while I know who that person is I would like to spend that time with, I am not sure if it's the right thing. It's one of those complicated situations where you both know how the other feels and at least in my opinion based on different conversations, interactions etc that it could go several ways. I know what I want but does he? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Probably..is it right? more than likely not, but the question is, what does one do? I am notorious for making bad choices when it comes to my love life and often ends in me putting up a wall that becomes harder and harder to break down and right now I am fighting like hell to keep that wall up because if I allow it to tumble down, I know that in the end it will be me who will end hurting again and I dont think I could handle that again. As hard as I try, I cant push it out of my mind. It actually scares me and I know what you are thinking, since when does anything scare her? Well alot does, you would be quite surprised. I try to fill my days with different things errands, appointments, anything..anything to keep my mind occupied and focused on anything but the things that enter my mind late at night. The thing thats missing most in my life is my mom. I need her advice, her guidance and I am pretty sure I know what she would say to all this and would I listen? Probably not because I am stubborn, bullheaded and have to learn lifes lessons the hard way. I almost lost our relationship because of the last person I got involved with and god help me, she was fucking right! Took me awhile to realize it because isnt that how you learn the lessons in life that make you stronger? As bold as I can be, as outspoken as I can be, why cant I be be like this with this? I am guessing it goes back to being scared, too many feelings have popped back up and honestly I dont know what to do with them but try to bury them and hope for the best..lol yeah right! I am reaching a point in my life where I just want a little bit of happiness, a little bit of peace, I really think considering all I have been through in my life in the last 14 years I at the very least deserve that, but the question is, will I ever get it? Or am I destined for a life in my own private hell? I honestly dont know. I need answers and I have no idea how to get them. I guess it's true when they say life is truly is a mystery. I think I am done rambling for now, who know's I may be back again later tonight when I can't sleep because I can't shut my mind down.




This song just hits it right for me, it just rings true.

Stilll Got The Blues

Gary Moore

Use to be so easy
To give my heart away
But I found out the hard way
there's a price you have to pay
I found out that love is no friend of mine
I should have known time after time

So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Use to be so easy
T'Fall in love again
But I found out the hard way
It's a road that leads to pain
I found that love was more than just a game
You´re playin' to win
but you'll lose just the same

So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I seen you face
Here in my heart
there's an empty space
Where you used to be

(SOLO)

So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Though the days come and go
There is one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you

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Starting something new here

I sometimes put up a blog on myspace but I figured let's try something different for a change. I always have a million and one things going through my head at any given time and sometimes I just feel the need to get it down and writing in a journal with a pen/pencil isn't always an option for me so I guess this is the next best thing. Sometimes I will talk about my family, about various things going on in my life, others I may rant and rave and I do that very well I might add :P I may also do tributes to those in my life I have lost, I may talk about someone I care about...like I said it could be any number of things. In some postings, names may be changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent..it just depends on the situation or topic I am discussing and if it warrants it or not. So from time to time check back, you never know what I may have to say!