You see, I have a bit of a problem, it's something I tend to do alot and it's called overthinking and excessive worrying. I worry about my children, probably more than I should. My family as a whole has been through some profound losses over the last few years and the very thought of losing anyone else right now is too much to bear. I have some regrets, I got myself into a situation a couple of years ago that I should have never gotten into. I should have walked...no ran in the other direction but I guess in a way you could say I was hurting, pretty deeply and maybe I was looking for comfort, maybe to feel wanted, I really dont know. All I know is it was probably the biggest mistake of my life and something I did for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to get over and move on from something that I really thought had some potential and then it just disappeared. I often wonder (and this is where the overthinking comes in) what might have been, what could be and more than likely will never be. I have reached a point in my life where a relationship is not a reality for me, at least not at this time, I have entirely too much baggage to bring another person into but thats not to say that I wouldnt mind someone to spend some time with once in awhile and while I know who that person is I would like to spend that time with, I am not sure if it's the right thing. It's one of those complicated situations where you both know how the other feels and at least in my opinion based on different conversations, interactions etc that it could go several ways. I know what I want but does he? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Probably..is it right? more than likely not, but the question is, what does one do? I am notorious for making bad choices when it comes to my love life and often ends in me putting up a wall that becomes harder and harder to break down and right now I am fighting like hell to keep that wall up because if I allow it to tumble down, I know that in the end it will be me who will end hurting again and I dont think I could handle that again. As hard as I try, I cant push it out of my mind. It actually scares me and I know what you are thinking, since when does anything scare her? Well alot does, you would be quite surprised. I try to fill my days with different things errands, appointments, anything..anything to keep my mind occupied and focused on anything but the things that enter my mind late at night. The thing thats missing most in my life is my mom. I need her advice, her guidance and I am pretty sure I know what she would say to all this and would I listen? Probably not because I am stubborn, bullheaded and have to learn lifes lessons the hard way. I almost lost our relationship because of the last person I got involved with and god help me, she was fucking right! Took me awhile to realize it because isnt that how you learn the lessons in life that make you stronger? As bold as I can be, as outspoken as I can be, why cant I be be like this with this? I am guessing it goes back to being scared, too many feelings have popped back up and honestly I dont know what to do with them but try to bury them and hope for the best..lol yeah right! I am reaching a point in my life where I just want a little bit of happiness, a little bit of peace, I really think considering all I have been through in my life in the last 14 years I at the very least deserve that, but the question is, will I ever get it? Or am I destined for a life in my own private hell? I honestly dont know. I need answers and I have no idea how to get them. I guess it's true when they say life is truly is a mystery. I think I am done rambling for now, who know's I may be back again later tonight when I can't sleep because I can't shut my mind down.
This song just hits it right for me, it just rings true.
Stilll Got The Blues
Gary Moore
Use to be so easy To give my heart away But I found out the hard way there's a price you have to pay I found out that love is no friend of mine I should have known time after time
So long it was so long ago But I've still got the blues for you
Use to be so easy T'Fall in love again But I found out the hard way It's a road that leads to pain I found that love was more than just a game You´re playin' to win but you'll lose just the same
So long it was so long ago But I've still got the blues for you
So many years since I seen you face Here in my heart there's an empty space Where you used to be
(SOLO)
So long it was so long ago But I've still got the blues for you
Though the days come and go There is one thing I know I've still got the blues for you
What's to tell really? I am a mom of 16 yr old twin boys who are my world. I have been through alot in my life, some good, some bad and each experience has taught me something.
